Guilt and Promises
by evermorelovely
Summary: Kurt's having a hard time dealing with what happened to Dave Karofsky, Burt sends Blaine to go make sure he is okay.  Spoilers for 3x14 "On My Way". One-shot for now, possibly to be continued.
1. Guilt and Promises

"_Listen, bud, Kurt's not doing too well. This whole Dave Karofsky thing has him pretty beaten up. He won't talk to me about it. You know, Kurt, stubborn as always. I just—I need to be sure that he's okay and he's not going to do anything stupid, you know?"_

"_Of course, Burt."_

"_Anyway, like I said, he won't say a thing to me. He just comes home from school and locks himself in his bedroom, 'won't even talk to Finn. What I'm getting at, Blaine, is that I would really appreciate it if you would stop by and help him out. I think we both know that he'll open up to you, he always has. Would you mind?"_

"_Not at all, I've been a bit concerned about him myself. I'll be over there as soon as possible."_

"_Thanks, Blaine. You're a good kid."_

"_Don't mention it, Burt. I'll see you soon."_

I hung up my phone and paced around my room, trying to clear my mind. I knew something was up with Kurt; I just didn't want to make him uncomfortable by pressing for him to talk about it. But, God, his eyes were breaking my heart. Ever since the incident his eyes carried constant unshed tears and red rims, something inside of them looked so hopeless and alone. The more I thought about it, the more I began to beat myself up over allowing him to feel that way. I'm his boyfriend, isn't it my job to make sure he feels safe and loved?

I raced out of the house and threw myself into my car, making it to the Hummel-Hudson residence in just under twenty-five minutes. I adjusted my sweater and coat before exiting the car, locking it on my out. I knocked on the door once; Burt appeared at the threshold a second later.

"Blaine, I told you that it's alright for you to just come in. There's no need to knock."

"Right, sorry Burt. I'll try to remember next time."

Burt nodded and cracked half of smile, "Alright, come on in. He's in his room."

I smiled graciously at Burt before descending for the stairs, bolting up them a bit too anxiously. I just couldn't help it though; the idea of Kurt being isolated and upset in his room was killing me. As I approached Kurt's door I heard the echo of soft cries, with each one I felt an ache ripple through my chest. _Come on, Blaine. Get in there and help him, before he just makes himself any more upset than he already has._

I rapped my knuckles against the door twice—no response. Unable to be patient anymore, I turned the door knob and walked in. The sight before me was devastating.

Kurt was curled up on his side, laying on his bed and facing the window on the opposite wall. I could see his form shaking with each whimper he let loose, and I wanted to do nothing more than just engulf him in my arms and kiss his head over and over again.

"Hey," I greeted gently, not wanting to startle him. I assumed he hadn't heard the creaking over the door over his cries and his thoughts.

"Hi," his voice was barely above a whisper, and it wasn't hard to tell that he was trying to put himself together for my sake. Kurt always had to try to be strong. I could tell that this wasn't going to be easy, so I shrugged off my coat and folded it over his desk chair, prepared to speak again when he beat me to it.

"What are you doing here?" Kurt still hadn't moved, not even to steal a glance at me, and I could guess that it was to hide his puffy eyes, no matter how many times I had seen him cry, he never got comfortable with it.

"Your dad called me," I sighed, shifting on my feet, "He's worried about you." Kurt let out a shaky breath, wrapping his arms tighter around himself. "I'm worried about you too, Kurt."

"I'm fine."

His words were hollow and easy to see through, I couldn't contain my frustration. "No, you're not Kurt." I said sternly.

When Kurt didn't reply, I shook my head to clear my mind and swallowed harshly. I moved closer and took a seat on the bed, a few inches away from him.

"You and I, we've always been truthful with each other, Kurt. So, I'm going to be honest with you," I started, "I'm kind of shaken up over this whole ordeal, and I could _really_ use my boyfriend right now," I tried to keep his voice steady, failing multiple times. "I know you could really use yours too."

Kurt finally turned around; his eyes meeting mine, when they did a fresh batch of tears trailed their way down his face. "You can talk to me," I encouraged, "You've never closed yourself up on me, we've always talked about everything… don't start getting shy around me now, Kurt." I could sense he was starting to loosen up, so I kept going.

"I know you, Kurt. I know that you keep all of your emotions bottled up until you explode. It's not healthy, and I want you to just let it all out before you reach that point. I'm not going to judge you; you know that, don't you?"

His lack of response worried me, and I got nervous. "Kurt, no matter what you have to say, no matter what you're feeling… it's not going to change the way I feel about you, or how I look at you. Please, just tell me you know that about me."

"I do."

I smiled, even if it was just a whisper, it was progress. I crawled up to the headboard and sat next to him, allowing him to curl up next to me, which he did. I ran a hand up his back and pressed soothing circles.

"I'm responsible."

Quinn had pulled me aside and told me about what Kurt said that he felt like he was responsible. She told me he didn't go into great detail, but that she thought I should know.

"No, you're not, Kurt. Why would you ever think that?"

"I rejected him… I pushed him aside and made him feel worthless. God, I was his Finn. He went through so much to try to get me to feel something towards him, he sent me all of those cards and Valentine's Day gifts, and I just told him no."

"Kurt, you have a boyfriend. There's nothing you could do. Even if I wasn't around, I don't see you ever being with him. It's up to you to make that decision, on whether you reciprocate those feelings but… I don't know he doesn't seem your type to me."

I worked up the courage then to ask him a daring question, "If I wasn't in the picture… would you have said yes?"

I found myself shaking internally. The very idea of Kurt not being in my life bothered me beyond belief. Kurt was everything to me, I loved him, and even though it was a hypothetical, his answer still scared me. If he said yes, everything would change to me. Then I would have to start worrying about Kurt running off with Dave Karofsky, forgetting all about me. I knew it was a selfish thought, but I simply couldn't shake it.

"No, I would have said no either way… just because he apologized, I still couldn't ever see myself being with him in that way. He's sweet, he's really sweet and kind, and I forgive him… but being with him would just trigger so many negative memories. Aside from the memories… he's just not my kind of guy. My kind of guy is hobbit-sized and has outrageous curls."

I smiled, pushing a stray hair away from Kurt's face, mindful of the fact that silent tears were still pouring over his flushed out cheeks. "It's not like you just told him no, Kurt. You explained to him why, you tried to give him some hope and better outlook on life. You offered your support—"

"Then why didn't I pick up my phone?"

"Kurt—"

"Why didn't I pick up my phone, Blaine? It would have taken two seconds to just pick up and say hello, make him feel a little better. What if answering one of his phone calls and offering a kind voice would have made him act differently?"

"What if one of those calls was right before he decided to take his life?" Kurt asked, heavily breathing.

"No. No, no, no, _Kurt._" I pulled the sobbing boy into my arms, stroking his side with my hand and pulling him as close as possible.

"You couldn't have done anything, Kurt. You had no control over any of this."

"He gave up because of me, because the one gay friend he had turned him down," Kurt muttered, the sound muffled by the fabric of my shirt.

"Kurt, it's not like that. You had nothing to do with his decision… you weren't what put him over the edge; it was all of those homophobic students at his new school. Every person who wrote on his Facebook page, or said something to him in the hallway, even just gave him the wrong look; they deserve to be the ones crying right now, they should be blamed."

"I don't believe you…"

"Kurt Hummel, you are the most beautiful, caring, loving person I have ever met. You showed Dave all of that, and you made it as clear as you could that he mattered and was important. You set such an example for him, babe. You proved that it's possible to be strong and get through this, and those are the kind of reminders he's going to need now."

"Kurt, I know you feel guilty. I stick with my belief that you have no reason to feel that way, but if you really do feel that way, than just think of how you can help him recover. You are going to help him realize that it will get better, and that he can find love, and have the life that he wants."

I finished my monologue with a few years rolling down my face, and Kurt reached up and brushed them off with his thumb, just as I did the same for him.

"I love you, Blaine."

"I love you too, Kurt. You mean so much to me, and the last thing I want is for you to feel like you caused this kind of traumatic event… if anything, you helped prevent it as long as you could. Okay?"

"Okay."

I leaned down and matched my lips to his, moving slowly against them. When we pulled away, he settled himself with his head resting against my chest. I toyed with the hem of his shirt and we laid in a comfortable silence, soaking each other in.

"Blaine?"

I looked down at him, an eye peeking open. "Mhmm?"

"Can I— it's stupid."

"What, Kurt?" I asked, sitting up a little straighter. He sighed, looking up at me with large eyes that looked afraid of being turned down.

"Can I have a hug?"

I smiled, chuckling a bit. "Of course, babe," I pulled him up into a hug, wrapped my arms around his middle. It was Kurt who squeezed me tightly, practically cutting off the air supply to my lungs. I didn't mind though, it only encouraged me to hold on longer.

"Promise—promise me you'll always come to me before you do anything you'll regret?" Kurt whispered in my ear, arms wound around my neck.

"I promise, Kurt. I really do."

"I promise, too." He said, burrowing his face in the crook of my neck.


	2. Chapter Two Blaine's Guilt and Promises

**After a lot of requests, I tried to find a way to continue this. It's not exactly following the same story line as the first chapter, it could probably even be counted as it's own story... but it was the only continuation I could think of. Sorry if it's not up to expectations! Also, thank you to all of those who put me on Alert, added me as a Favorite, reviewed or even took the time to read this! It means a lot to me. **

**This chapter is from Kurt's point of view.**

"Blaine?" I said, curled up next to him on my bed. Hours had gone by since we last spoke, enjoying the comfortable silence and just basking in each other.

"Mhmm?"

"Have you…"

"What is it, Kurt?"

"Have you ever thought about, taking _that _step?" I hoped Blaine would understand what I was asking; I really didn't want to have to say the real words out loud. Everything was always scarier when you said it out loud.

"Have you?" Blaine asked, ignoring my initial question. I took that as a "no", then. I let it slide, shifting closer to Blaine and propping myself up from my previous position of my head resting on his chest.

"No," I breathed, "I could never… too much blood, for one. The sight of blood makes me nauseas enough to begin with and the thought of blood on _this carpet…_" I laughed, attempting to diffuse the tension.

"Even the idea of the different possible methods, I could never do that. Not after my dad and the rest of my family had to go through losing my mom. I've seen what death can do, even if my mother didn't die for those reasons—death destroys people, and it changes _everything. _I might be a completely different person had my mother been around; her death impacted me in more ways that I could ever say. I just—I would never be able to put my dad and all of my loved ones _intentionally_ through that."

As a closed my eyes and took a deep breath, bringing myself back to a happier place, I noticed that Blaine had stiffened beneath me and that his eyes were no longer matched to mine. "Sorry," I whispered, "I kind of made everything dark and heavy, didn't I?"

Blaine swallowed harshly, still avoiding my eyes, "Yes."

"Let's go back to talking about Nationals, like we were befo—"

"I have, Kurt."

I stared intently at Blaine, not understanding his words. _Does, does he mean…_

"When things get that bad, you don't think about how your death is going to affect everyone else, mostly because it doesn't matter. It doesn't matter because you feel in your heart that nobody would care, anyway. You feel like you're all alone, in every meaning of the word."

"Blaine…" I tried, but he cut me off again.

"I was harassed and bullied everywhere I went, including my home. I was in my second year of depression, the medication wasn't helping… and it—it just felt like," he took a deep breath, tears forming in his eyes, "It felt like if I'm going to Hell for being gay, anyway, then why not just go now?"

I lost it at those words, tears poured down my cheeks and I tried to hold back a sob that I could feel coming on. _How could Blaine think that way about himself?_

"Blaine, _please_." I didn't know what I was asking of him, to finish the story, to stop speaking like that, to tell me he was joking about all of this... I sat up, getting off of Blaine. I crossed my legs and just begged for him to understand what I couldn't.

"You know how bad the bullying got, Kurt. The level of violence it reached… _ I couldn't deal with that. _When I transferred to Dalton, the—"he choked back a sob, "the harassment might have stopped, but the depression just took over, and I just felt so _fucked up all the time._" I flinched when Blaine swore, Blaine hardly ever swore like that.

"When I went home for holidays it was always worse, my dad never wanted to be around me, my mother was clearly uncomfortable… the only member of my family that accepted me was Cooper, and he wasn't even around. He was off living his life. My parents… they just, just—"Blaine let out an exasperated sigh, "As if their problems with my sexuality wasn't enough, my father seemed to believe that the depression was also my fault. I tried, _God, Kurt, _I tried _so hard_, to explain to him how it was a chemical imbalance, that it wasn't anything I could control… but he, and he blamed it on me. Said, that if I wasn't—If I wasn't a _f-fag, or queer—"_

"Hey, _no no no…" _I pulled Blaine up and into my arm, caressing his curls in one hand and rubbing soothingly with the other. He took a shuddering breath and collapsed into me, burying his face in my shoulder. "Don't talk like that, Blaine. Shh, it's alright, I've got you."

As I held Blaine, I cried too. I cried for everything he had to go through, all alone. I knew Blaine had it tough at home, but he never enjoyed going into detail on the subject. All I had been told was that his family wasn't very accepting of him, with the exception of his older brother, and that it could get nasty. I tried to convey through our embrace that his father was _dead wrong_, that he was none of those terrible names, and that I knew his depression wasn't his fault.

"I hate my depression, Kurt. God, I hate it so much."

"I know, Hun…Shh, I know."

I pulled back and looked in his eyes, the hand that resided in his hair now stroking his jaw, wiping away stray tears as he did the same for me.

"It got really bad, and—I felt worse than I ever had. I hated myself, I hated my sexu—sexuality, I hated my father for not loving me, I hated Cooper for not being around, I hated my friends for not noticing that something was wr—wrong with me. I just hated life so much and I, I started depending on pills to sleep, prescription ones… on the day that I felt more worthless than I ever had, losing a solo in Warblers and failing a test, getting in another fight with Wes…. I shoved as many sleeping pills as I could down my throat."

All of the air felt as if it had left my body. I knew he must have thought about it… I wasn't expecting, foolishly now that I look back at it, for him to tell me that he had actually tried to give up on life. The thought of Blaine, my savior, going down the path, and the possibility of him never entering my life… it was terrifying, utterly terrifying.

"I'm sorry, Kurt. I'm so sorry…please don't be mad, _please…_" Once again, I brought him to my chest and comforted him, whispering sweet nothings into his ear.

"I'm not mad, Blaine, I promise. I could never be mad at you for something like that…" I bit my lip and let out a shaky breath, "I just, I can't think of you not being with me, Blaine. It's alright, everything is alright, because you're here with me, and you are _never _going to feel that alone again. I will always be here for you, Blaine, I swear I will."

"Please don't leave me," he whispered, tears soaking my shirt and pressing on my skin.

"I swear, Blaine, there will never be a day in your life when I am not here for you. Alright? You matter to me more than anything else in the universe."

"I love you, Kurt, so—so much," Blaine choked again, a desperate sob escaping his body.

Blaine was practically in my lap, but it didn't matter. As he brought himself as close to me as he could, I couldn't find it in me to care about anything else except the shaking boy in my arms, so afraid of rejection and isolation.

"I love you too, Blaine. I love you more than you could imagine."

After what felt like hours, Blaine's sobs (and mine, too) calmed down and he must have fallen asleep from exhaustion. Still in my grasp, I settled him down in my bed and pressed a kiss to his forehead, lingering for a few moments before pulling away. I rested behind him, claiming position as the big spoon, and wrapped and arm around his waist, pulling his back against my chest. Knowing my cuddle whore of a boyfriend, he would be happiest in this position.

I stared at the ceiling for a while, unable to sleep. When I felt like I finally might doze off, an unexpected voice spoke up.

"Thank you, Kurt."

I ran my fingers through his hair, pressing a kiss on the back of his neck, "For what, Hun?"

"For not judging me, for not telling me I was selfish…" I sat up a little, just enough to place another kiss on his cheek and then plop back down into the bed.

"I could never, Blaine." I whispered, still playing with those dark locks on his head.

He sighed as I massaged his scalp, a smile playing on his lips. "Blaine," I said, "Can I ask you one more question?"

"Anything, babe," he hummed, pushing his head back into my hands. I let loose an emotionless laugh, unable to stop one thought from taking over my mind. Blaine sensed my tension; he turned around so that we both faced each other, lying on our sides.

"You can ask me, Kurt."

I pursed my lips together, thinking back to everything he told me that night and rummaging through my brain for the right words. Unable to control them, a few tears leaked out of my eyes, Blaine's face grew concerned and he thumbed the tears away. Blaine reached over and grabbed one of my hands, interlocking mine with his and squeezing gently, as if to tell me _go on_.

"Why—why did you live? You said you took so many pills and… why are you still here?"

I hadn't wanted to bother Blaine when he was telling the story before, afraid for him to just become more upset, but it was eating me up inside.

Blaine looked down, rubbing his thumb against my knuckles, "Wes and David, they came looking for me… they wanted to tell me that the panel had reconsidered and decided that I was better suited than Thad for the new solo. The two of them wanted to congratulate me and—"

"They found you," I finished for him. It wasn't a question; I could tell I had gotten it right.

"I was passed out on the floor," Blaine looked up into my eyes, "I was thrown into David's car and rushed to the hospital, the doctors pumped my stomach and I went on suicide watch for a few days."

Blaine swallowed nervously; it was easy to see that he was leaving something out, something important. If I was hearing all of this now, I wanted the whole story, so I pushed on.

"Then?" I asked.

His hazel eyes lingered on my blue ones, conveying a feeling of humiliation.

"They counted my pills… they—they noticed that I had I had less than I should. Even with all of the ones I had grabbed in haste, I was—Kurt, I was taking more than I—I should have for a while…"

I nodded my head, asking him to keep going with the story, I had confidence that he could get through all of this.

"That day on the stairs, Kurt—the day we met, I was six months out of rehab. My parents had sent me to a center when it happened in January and I was released in May, I finished the rest of the year through home schooling."

"There's something else… I know there's something that you're not saying. You don't have to, Blaine, if you don't want to. I just think it would be good to say it all right now, to just get it out." I squeezed his hand, just like he had before. Seeing that he needed an extra push, I left a light kiss right on his lips, just for a few moments.

When I pulled away, he was able to say it; I noticed the corner of his lips seemed to curve a little, "Teenage Dream—that was… that was my first solo, Kurt. That was the solo I never got to sing the year before. It was running late because I was having anxiety… it all melted away when I met you. You gave me a distraction, a really _beautiful _distraction."

If tears weren't running down my face before hand, they were now. Blaine surged forward suddenly, his lips on mine and moving delicately with each other. Our lips kept at each other until we ran out of breath and Blaine smiled adorably at me, eyes bright and completely different from how they had been all day long.

"What's got you so happy?" I asked, smirking a little, "Five minutes ago you were a sad little puppy."

"I'm just really happy that Thad didn't get that solo. He's not attractive enough for you."

"Oh?" I laughed, "And you, sir, think you are up to par?"

"Why of course not, but I would hope I beat Thad."

I leaned in, unable to resist, and kissed the tip of his nose, chuckling when Blaine pouted. "Blaine Anderson, you are the most _attractive, _loving_, _caring_, and inside-out stunning _personthat I have ever encountered. I think I owe a call to Wes and David, to thank them for making sure that you were still around when I came to Dalton."

I found myself amazed how the mood of the situation had turned so quickly, and at how much I had learned about my boyfriend in one night.

"Ow!" Blaine screeched, grabbing his arm and covering the skin where I had reached over and pinched him. "Why, babe? Why did you just do that?"

"You were supposed to come over here today to comfort _me_, Blaine. How did we both end up sobbing wrecks?"

"It's a talent of ours… we're constantly changing the situation, keeps things interesting."

"I love you," I sighed, smiling and snuggling into Blaine's outstretched arms.

"I love you, too."

"Promise?" I asked, nuzzling into his neck.

"I promise."

**xThank you for reading, please review if you have the time, they mean the world to me.x**


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